Hello, my name is Jill and I am an ex-bully.
I don’t like to admit it. I wish I could say I was always a nice kid. Sometimes I was nice, but there were a lot of times when I wasn’t. My worst bullying days were probably in grade school and junior high. They stayed with me into my early years of high school but pretty much were gone by the time I graduated.
In grade school, my go-to move was the “disappearing chair”, where I would pull chairs away from people before they sat down. Yes, this meant they fell flat on their behinds to the floor. I did it because it always got a good laugh – it usually had nothing to do with how I felt about the person, although if I liked you there was less of a chance your chair would disappear.
One of the times I remember most clearly was in Music class. I pulled a chair away from a kid and he fell to the floor. This kid wasn’t particularly liked by other students. Everybody laughed out loud, and the teacher saw the whole thing. But she didn’t yell at me. In fact, the teacher looked at the kid and said, “You deserved that.”
I finally stopped pulling that stunt when an adult, one whom I respected very much, gave me a pretty rough scolding. After that, I felt so bad that I cried about it for a while. My days of pulling chairs were over.
“I finally stopped pulling that stunt when an adult, one whom I respected very much, gave me a pretty rough scolding. After that, I felt so bad that I cried about it for a while.”
However, just because I was done pulling chairs didn’t mean I was done bullying. One day in fourth grade, I punched a kid in the face for apparently no reason. I just … punched him. Because I felt like it. I didn’t get into trouble, but another kid in the class who everyone liked had something to say to me. “Why did you do that?” he asked. “I don’t know.” I replied. “You shouldn’t have done that,” he said. “You could have really hurt him.” That kid was pretty mature for his age, and thanks to him I actually felt remorse for doing what I did.
“‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ he said. ‘You could have really hurt him.'”
Then, I started playing sports. Playing sports brought out the worst in me due to my competitive nature. I verbally and physically attacked players on the other team constantly. I even cut down players on my own team whenever they made a mistake on the field or on the court. I don’t remember being scolded by anyone except for one referee, and I can’t believe he was the only one who did. I never forgot about him and I did change my tune a good bit after it happened.
My bullying techniques changed as I got older. Teenage girls tend to bully in emotional ways rather than physical, and I was no exception. I picked on girls for their hair, clothes, and the way they spoke. Sometimes I picked on them for getting bad grades or being bad at sports. This was usually not to their faces, but that doesn’t matter. My behavior caused these people to be more isolated, because for some reason other students respected me and cared about what I thought and said.
What was worse was the bullying that occurred between friends. This was all too common and I was a big part of it. If you’ve never heard of the term frenemy, it’s a “friend” that you have who is also your enemy. One day you are constantly talking about each other, making callous remarks, and ladling out insults like fresh hot soup. The next day you put on fake smiles and write “omg best friend” letters to each other. The cycle repeats until an epic chick fight starts in the middle of class and you end up crying in the guidance counselor’s office.
This emotional bullying didn’t really stop until I turned 16, when I finally decided I was tired of being heartless and petty. I guess this was the point in my life when I finally matured, because up until then I was still just a mean little girl. I tried to place myself around kind people who treated others with respect. I also stopped caring about what people thought of me… kind of. There was always a small part of me who cared and I’m sure there were times when I briefly slipped back into my old ways.
Looking back, I can pinpoint the exact reasons why I bullied others:
- Attention. To me, there was no greater joy than making people laugh. I still feel that way today, in a much different (and nicer) way. Picking on people made my friends laugh. Therefore, I kept doing it.
- Jealousy / Insecurity. If someone had something I didn’t, I wanted to take them down. I wanted to convince other people that what they had wasn’t so great. Other people joined in because they were also jealous. We ganged up against people to make ourselves feel better. Sure, low self-esteem may be a cliche reason, but it’s valid.
- Competition. On the other hand, sometimes my self-esteem was too high and I wanted to be the best at everything. As soon as I felt threatened by someone, I attacked. This was more of a reason in grade school than high school.
- Popularity. It seemed like the kids who bullied were more popular than the ones who didn’t. This certainly wasn’t always the case; that kid who scolded me for punching someone was the most popular guy in the class, and he treated everyone quite well. He was the exception to the rule. The bullies generally held a much higher status than the victims.
I really hate remembering the kind of person I was back then. I even denied it for a while and went on thinking that I was a really sweet kid. Nope. I was pretty rotten, and I don’t know how I got away with it. I must have been pretty sneaky about it, because I received few to zero consequences. My parents did wag their finger at me if they heard me speaking poorly about a friend. “Loose lips sink ships”, is what my Dad used to tell me. Probably not what the WWII posters were talking about, but I got the idea.
“I must have been pretty sneaky about it, because I received few to zero consequences.”
After reflecting on my childhood and teenage years for a little while, I came up with the following ways I could have been stopped:
- Accountability. Like I said, either I was really sneaky or adults just didn’t see me. But I do know that anytime I was held accountable for my actions, it resonated tremendously and I adjusted my behavior. At least for a little while. Had it been consistent, I would have been much more hesitant to treat others badly.
Deterrence from peers. If nobody laughed at the things I did and said, I wouldn’t have gotten any satisfaction from it. I can just imagine the effect it would have had on me if the people I was trying to impress ignored me. In fact, I probably would have felt stupid. And if more people had flat out told me I was being a jerk, I know for sure I would have adjusted my actions much sooner.- Humility. I had extremely loving parents. They frequently told me I was beautiful, talented and smart. This is fantastic and exactly what a parent should do, but I guess I took it the wrong way and thought I should be the best at everything. If anybody came close, I had to take them down. Had someone delicately told me that I wasn’t perfect and didn’t have to be the best and didn’t have to always win … well I probably would have ignored them. In fact I know I did because I’m pretty sure my parents tried to take me down a notch on several occasions. Maybe I needed to hear it a bit more.
- Self-esteem. During my high school years, I probably could have used a confidence boost. Going from a very small class (20 students) to a somewhat less small class (120 students) was a bit of a reality check and a confidence killer at the same time. I found out I wasn’t the best. There were girls who were smarter, prettier, and more talented than I was. Instead of shrugging it off and accepting it, I assumed I was actually just a piece of dirt. My competitiveness kicked into overdrive because I wanted to be back on top. Then came the jealousy, mocking, etc etc…
The blame, of course, lies totally on me. Nobody made me treat people badly. I don’t want anyone to think that I am blaming other people or outside factors for my behavior. It was absolutely all my fault. I’m simply stating the things that could have influenced me to be better. I think some more lectures from respected adults and friends would have helped tremendously. Being held responsible for my actions would have been huge. It proved to be very effective the few times it happened. Had that happened a bit more often, I doubt I would have been such a mean kid.
These things may have worked for me, but maybe not for a lot of other kids. That is where it gets tricky – everyone is influenced by different things. I don’t know if there is just one formula that will work on everyone, but if there is I hope we take advantage of it.
I think it’s important to talk to former bullies, because current bullies are not likely going to admit who they are and why they do what they do. They probably won’t realize it or admit it until they are a little older and begin looking back on their lives, like I am right now. After all, hind sight is 20/20.
So without further ado, I would like to take this moment to apologize to the people I have hurt in the past. Whether it was physical or emotional abuse, understand that there was something wrong with me… not you. I hope you don’t still see me as that person, because I have very much changed for the better since then. If I’m lucky enough you may have forgotten about me. Or even better, forgiven me!